It is 2am and I just awoke from a vivid dream. It was the end of college. Everything was falling apart. The roof was leaking. People were unconcerned. It just seemed fitting that the place would crumble on the last day. I was wandering around, trying to get my stuff together to leave. I kept running into friends and talking with them for a moment to say goodbye. It felt like an ending. I was panicking, though, because I realized I had no plan for the next step. I had nothing lined up. I had nothing ready. I wasn’t ready for it to be over.
Someone pulled me aside and said there was a man who loved me. He introduced me to him. The man was small. And it was clear he loved me. I spoke kindly to him. I said I had a friend who was kind of like my partner. And I also had a boyfriend. He looked crushed. I felt bad. But I left the room.
I continued to try to gather my things and realized that my phone and my computer had been ruined by the rain coming in through the ceiling. It felt like a sign. I started to think that, since I now had no GPS, that it meant I should just stay in the town I was in and not go home. Nashville. The town I was in was Nashville. I should stay there. I started telling everyone my new plan. I wanted their approval. No one really seemed to be listening.
Every few moments I caught a glimpse of a former flame. That was the most intense part of the dream. I wanted desperately to talk with him. To connect with him. To be told by him that he loved me. But I didn’t have the courage to speak up first. We kept passing each other by like ships in the night. Each time we did, I was filled with pain. Sorrow. Yearning. Longing. I tried to talk with him. He didn’t want to talk. Every time I saw him, he left me. I didn’t want him to leave me. I wanted him to take me with him. On my own, I felt unmoored. I felt adrift. I felt like crying.
One of the people I visited with briefly to say goodbye to was a girl I had known in high school. She had been emotionally troubled and not very academically involved. When I asked her what her plan was after this, she said ‘oh just…’ and started to say technical words I did not understand. Each time I asked for clarification, the explanations were more and more technical and hard to understand. It seemed like she was going to do something with computers. Something really specialized and complicated. Now I felt like even more of a failure for having no plans at all.
Finally, everyone was squeezing down a spiral staircase to leave. I spotted my ex one more time. I knew it was my last chance to be rescued by him. Rescued from the chaos of my life. Rescued from the unknowing. Rescued from the maw of uncertainty. From the feeling of being alone. I tried to catch his eye. But he just looked away.
Jackie is singer/songwriter Roan Yellowthorn. Listen to her latest release here